Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in prodigal_loser's LiveJournal:

Monday, March 27th, 2006
6:35 am	I think about killing myself for probably 8 hours every day. Nonstop. There simply isn't anything else to do at work. I don't think I'm actually going to do it, and I'm not planning on doing it, or thinking of specific ways TO do it or anything like that... It's just that most of the time I think I'd be better off dead. I wonder if that makes me suicidal. Also, I think it's wierd that in my constant musings, the only reason I can find to keep myself alive is fear. I'm afraid of whatever afterlife there may be, because if I kill myself and there is nothing there, or I go to hell, well, that wouldn't be good. I'm also afraid... well not really afraid, just... it upsets me to know that if I killed myself, some of you would be upset, and cry or whatnot. But I'm not TOO concerned about that because to most of you I'm just a name on a computer screen and writings that are sometimes funny. And those of you that know me, I'm sure you'de get over it in a month or two. Let me again reiterate the fact that I am NOT planning on doing this any time soon. So flipping out and calling me in tears or calling my parents to warn them or something would piss me off... don't be that kid. PS. I wrote a song yesterday, and I think it's pretty good. Brandon gave me the motivation for it with his whole "I wish I could write a song" post, so, shout out to Brandon. EDIT: I also spend 4 hours a day thinking about which mutual fund to put in my Roth IRA. How's that for dichotomy? Spend most of my day thinking about killing myself, and then think about making long term investments... whew. Current Mood: contemplative (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
9:55 pm	Bwahahahaha. Fuck it. Totally "going with the flow". Let's see where THAT takes me. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
4:44 pm	Sometimes I feel like my life is a game show. Which is not to say I walk around all day expecting to win cash, prizes, and all expenses paid trips to Tahiti (although that would be nice.) But every now and then if you watch game shows, and more particularly, quiz shows, you will see people who lose the game on an easy question which they knew the answer to. Almost every time this happens, they use the same excuse: "Gosh, I totally knew the answer to that, but I just froze up... the pressure, all those people watching you, I just totally spaced it." I have to imagine that sucks pretty bad, knowing the answer ahead of time, and still not being able to come through in the clutch, when everything is on the line. So I have a big problem. There are certain things I have learned throughout the course of my dating life. Things that I mentally know, but seem emotionally unable to follow through on when it is called for. These two things are hopelessly interconnected, and will ruin any relationship (and any hope for friendship afterwards.) They are The Importance of Communication and Letting Them Down Gently. The Importance of Communication can not be overstated. Put quite simply, it is the building block that any lasting relationship must be built upon. It's been roughly 4 and a half years since I learned this lesson the first time, and it has been reinforced multiple times since then, so it should be something that never escapes my mind. Call your girlfriend once a day. See how she is doing, how everything is going. Be around if she calls you. However, it always escapes me. I find myself in a relationship, getting home from work, and not making a phone call to the girlfriend. I'm too tired, I don't have enough minutes, and I have no idea what we would talk about anyway, so I guess I won't call her, I don't want to bug her and then bore her to death. I guess I'll just call her tomorrow. I know this is wrong, but never did I know HOW wrong. Over the last week, after Jessica and I had a pretty good conversation (in my opinion) about why we broke up and possibly fixing this is the future, I haven't heard from her since. Well, that's not true, she left me a message late Sunday night, apologizing for not responding to my once a day calls/text messages. Which is fine, at least she knows I'd like to hear from her, but in her message, she says she has just been way too busy to call or text message or anything, she's sorry. Well, I can remember those days, when I was too busy. But that is just a front. No one is ever "too busy". I call her and leave her messages from the tops of telephone polls, strapped off with a leather belt, my hands full of hundreds of fiber optic cables. I can send her a text message in less than a minute. It's not about being too busy, it's about not wanting to talk. I know this, because I've done it. But now I am on the receiving end, and I see things differently. I don't want to have a two hour conversation with her. A 30 second message or conversation saying she's thinking about me and she'll talk to me later would do nicely, and it takes a minute to do. A text message saying "Hey, love ya, talk to you soon!" would be great. I was guilty of "being too busy" for the first 4 months of our relationship, and now I understand how crazy it is to say that. I know how uncertain it makes the other person feel. I knew it while I was doing it, but couldn't seem to remember. And now this is my just reward, I guess. The other horrible thing I do is Letting Them Down Gently. See, sometimes I won't communicate because I forget that relationships need that to survive, and sometimes I do it because I feel like a girl needs to be let down without me ruining her. Instead of saying "Hey, I don't think this is going to work out, sorry." I'll just stop talking to them all together. Ease them out of the situation. No confrontation. Sometimes I have to stop talking to them even AFTER I tell them things aren't going to work. This is a double whammy. I KNOW this is not the right thing to do. And yet I still do it. I've never done this to a girl I was in a serious relationship with, but if things are starting to get a little heavier than I would like or expect, this move is my first resort. The only problem is that this ends up prolonging the agony, drawing it out, leading the other person on without a concrete dismissal, and that sucks. I know that sucks because it has happened to me multiple times in the past, and it feels a lot like what is happening to me now, though I'm not sure of that. I know at least one person is thinking "Well, it serves you right, motherfucker." and they're right. It does serve me right. So I'm ready to take my lumps like a man. Anyways, so I'm back where I started. Knowing some things concretely because I have been hurt by them, and promised myself I would never forget things that are so simple. I know that not communicating with a girlfriend is wrong. I know that trying to let someone down gently is not the smart thing to do. I know these things. And yet I can't seem to remember them when the time comes to implement my knowledge. But I will never forget again, being reminded of how harsh it is since I am on the receiving end. But, sometimes one person eagerly waiting on your decision is far more intimidating than a whole hushed audience in a dimly lit studio. I am the weakest link. Goodbye. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 28th, 2006
7:30 am	Holy FUCK. I think I may be bipolar... is it possible to be this happy and actualized a mere 24 hours after I thought everything worth living for was lost? Jesus Christ, I have emotional swings like pregnant women. I am sure tonight I will post something sad and hard tonight, because I understand that is what you are all here to see. (Comment on this)
Friday, January 27th, 2006
6:50 pm	Stone Cold Liar. Well ladies and gentlemen, it appears that I lied to you all this morning. Today wasn't the scariest day of my life, even though I didn't hear a word from Jessica. It is amazing how many things can changes in the course of one day, simply from one conversation. This conversation took place today with my boss, Paul. I called him up and asked him to stop by and see me in the field if he was going to be out in the area, and he came by about an hour later. I basically apologized for my poor performance at work lately, based upon my state of mental and emotional upheaval as of late due to Jessica and my parents and everything else. This man being a second father to me, I felt like it was ok to bring this up to him. You have no idea how hard it is to be a male, looking into the face of another man, one who is superior to you in the workplace, and saying you aren't working like you used to because of emotional problems. That was tough. However, I think that talking to someone about it in person set me free. After that conversation, everything sort of fell away, like the balloon knot tied in my chest released, and I could finally deflate. It feels fantastic. I can't even begin to describe it, everything looks different. I guess it's like if you were standing in the middle of the road during a cloudy day, and a cloud moves to expose the sun, and the effect of the sunlight sweeping towards you, changing everything from a drab grey into brilliance in one moment. This is surely not to say I am completely over everything, however, I feel calm. Mellow. I am willing to accept anything she could possibly say or not say, because now I understand that we will never get back together, any type of romantic interaction is impossible, and I am completely relieved of the pressure I felt under to try and save things. Jessica made a choice, something wasn't working out for her, and regardless of the influences of that choice, she knows what is best for her. Our relationship was pretty fantastic when we were together, and now that it is over, instead of bringing the memories down by trying to hold on, I need to just let it go, and remember the good times. Good times made all the more special by the fact that they are limited edition, no more from that chapter of my life will ever be printed. (Comment on this)
7:05 am	Fear. That is the word of the day, boys and girls. Fear. Today will most likely be the scariest day of my life. I'm not talking physically scary, I actually keep both feet planted on terra firma all day at work today, I'm talking about the fact that either last night or this morning Jessica will read last night's shit and never speak to me again. There are multiple possibilities, let me run down them in descending order of probability. 1. She read the journal and hates me. This, I feel is the most likely possibility. I'm sure she had to read it, and I'm sure that the disturbing lack of trust displayed by me will anger and disappoint her, leading her to never utter another word for my ears. On the other hand, she is pretty understanding, so I guess it's possible that.... 2. She read the journal and doesn't hate me; There is no other guy. I think that this is the best option, not by chances it actually happened, but by what this would mean. If I get a call or text message today that says exactly what I want to hear, "There is no other guy in my life", I will be happy and calm as hindu cows. Because like I said, I believe any word that comes from her lips. 3. She read the journal and doesn't hate me; There is another guy. This is the second best option. I'll accept it if there is another guy, that is something I can compete against, instead of fighting shadows in the dark. I feel like Cake's Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps. I'm not only looking for the answer I want to hear, all I want is a concrete answer either way, it's not hard, I'm trying to make this pretty easy for all involved. A text or call involving the phrase "There is another guy." won't make me happy per se, but it will certainly calm my mind down. 4. She read the warning yesterday and stopped reading this journal. I consider this one of the worst options, but the safest option nevertheless. If she never read it, I have nothing to be worried about. Of course, I really want her to have read it, so I don't have to bring all this up at a later date. But I would take this option over option number one any day of the week, and twice on Sunday. So, we shall see. I'm actually intrigued as well as scared out of my wits. I'm wondering, how long can someone read thoughts being thought about them, knowing they are being broadcast to people they don't know? How long will it be before she decides to stop talking to me just out of general principal? I think and hope she understands why I am doing this, but at the same time.... there is that fear again. Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 26th, 2006
9:37 pm	The Killing of Any Potential Recovery. None of my behavior is my fault. I would just like to get that out of the way up front. Well, let me rephrase. None of my behavior is solely my fault, in the sense that when a bullet kills a person, it isn't the bullet's fault, it was set in motion by a gun, set in motion by a man. That is me, my mind is a bullet. The thoughts that I think did not spring forth, fully formed, from the same womb I was born from. They've been influenced, shaped, created by the experiences I've had in life. I'm sure that psychologists have a school of thought that encompasses this idea, input determines output and such. I just wanted to let everyone know that whatever it is I say or do has been majorly influenced by past events. When I create crazy schemes in my mind that may sound far outside the normal range of human rationality, I have a reason for that, that's all I'm saying. That being said, I trust my girlfriends. By nature, I don't consider myself a very trusting person at all, but if I choose to enter into a relationship with someone, I inherently feel some trust in them, otherwise I wouldn't feel comfortable putting my emotions in their hands. However, this trust is not all encompassing. I wouldn't feel comfortable letting my girlfriend go to an orgy with her friends. My base trust deals with linguistics. I only believe anything a girl flat out tells me. "I love you", "There is no one else." "I will never cheat on you." I need to hear those statements. I automatically believe things like that, just by default. I am not hard to please. The last several times I have entered into relationships with girls, I have been very up front with them, my most recent in particular. I will never lie to you about anything. I will never cheat on you. If you lie to me or cheat on me, you can rest assured that I will most likely never speak to you again. It is very simple. I ask nothing from my girlfriends except for honesty and dedication. I felt like this point was especially important in my most recent relationship since it would be conducted long distance. Almost right off the bat I confessed to her something that I have never flat out told anyone else on the planet. The number of people who know this fact about me could be counted on both of your hands. Don't even bother asking me if you are one of the people who know, if you have to ask, you don't know. Anyway, the only reason I bring that up is to demonstrate the fact that I stood/stand by my promise to never lie to this girl, to never deceive her in any way, shape, or form. I love her, and there is nothing in the world I want more than to be honest with her about everything and gain her trust. There are numerous reasons why the previous paragraph is fucked up. First of all, never again will I tell a girl if they cheat on me I will never talk to them again. What a stupid thing to do. This almost certainly sets yourself up to be lied to. Nay. Instead, from now on, I will tell all girlfriends I don't care if they cheat on me. As long as they come home to me at the end of the night, they can fuck anyone they want, but I need to know about it when they do it. I will be completely understanding, and I'm fine with that whole swinging life-style. Then, when they tell me, I will slap them in the fucking face and tell them to never talk to me again. You see, I am all about taking a proactive approach to stopping cheating, and scaring a girl into never telling you anything doesn't solve anything. It just gives them added reason to make their lies more believable. Here is the thing: I don't care if you stay completely physically faithful for the entire span of your relationship, I am more worried about mental fidelity. I don't want a girlfriend of mine to even have to think about fucking other guys. I mean, sure, there is always going to be that moment when you see a hot guy or girl and think "Man, wouldn't mind getting them into the sack..." but then it passes, and you move on. The moment a girl I am dating starts to really think about another guy, or planning some way to be with another guy is the moment the relationship ended. That was the point in which I no longer cut it as a boyfriend, and she needed to go somewhere else for her satisfaction, be it sexual or not. I want my girlfriend to be as completely into me as a person as I am into her. That would be very difficult to do, considering how hardcore I was into my last girlfriend, who will from now on be referred to as Jessica, since I am sick of typing the word girlfriend. When my overwhelming desire to be with and please a girl are combined with the honesty I think every real relationship should require, black and white statements are born. I feel no apprehension, and in fact I feel joy when I can talk to the girl I am with and tell them "I have never cheated on you", "I have never lied to you", "There is no other girl but you". These are not wishy-washy statements. These are bold, in your face declarations of FACT. THIS is the way it is. There are no maybes or possiblies or perhapses where I am. There are no uncomfortable silences when a question is asked, there are no evasive answers, there is no deception, no hesitation or lack of conviction in my answers. I understand that all people cannot be like me. Shit, most people probably don't want to be like me, and that is a very good thing. But I wish people could share this ONE trait with me, the ability to cut through the bullshit and be completely honest with the person you say you love. Up to this point, this post has been all background, here is where we will delve into the actual problem I am facing. Put quite simply, and with no respect to the fact that I know she is reading this right now, I think Jessica is lying to me, or at least not being completely honest. She has no reason to lie to me. She might not be lying to me. But she seems to be purposely avoiding certain statements that I need to hear to put my mind at ease. Let me be clear: Jessica and I have broken up. I am no longer her boyfriend, she is no longer my girlfriend. I have no illusions otherwise. I can accept this. What I cannot put up with is someone who I love not being honest with me, especially when we looked each other in the eyes and promised we would never lie to each other. Now this is where the linguistics thing I mentioned an hour ago come into play, and it is twofold. Number one: I don't think she is lying to me literally. I am convinced she is deceiving me by lack of confirmation. Simply put, she is lying by not giving me all the information. I could never accuse her of lying and be correct, because a false word has not left her mouth (as far as I know). Linguistically speaking, she is not "lying". Number two: I think she purposely avoids the literal act of lying. I think there is some kind of linguistic gymnastic match going on that I wasn't informed of. I think there is another guy involved in this equation that I am not aware of. I think he contributed to our break-up. I have no idea who he is, but I cannot stop thinking about him. I know he is there, in the way that scientists know black holes are there, but they can't detect them yet. I can sense him. I sense him in the way Jessica dodges questions. If I am suspicious of something, I leave plenty of conversational opportunity to set me straight. The other night we had a conversation where I almost accused her of cheating on me because when I called her on New Years Eve, her phone went straight to voice mail. Three hours later, it rang and rang and rang. The next morning she told me she had lost the phone, and so couldn't talk to me. But if it was lost, how could it have been turned off, and then back on three hours later? I automatically start thinking of another guy. She found another guy that night. So I told her that, and she responded that she would never ever cheat on me, which is a good thing in my mind. She said that unequivocally. But she never said there was no other guy that night, just that she didn't physically interface with anyone. We aren't together now, is she with another guy NOW? Just not THEN? In the same sentence she told me we needed to trust each other more, but what she doesn't understand is that I do trust. I trust a lot. If she says anything to me, I believe it. It's when she DOESN'T say something that I get nervous. In addition to this, she doesn't answer my calls, she doesn't respond to text messages... and every time I try to communicate and it meets dead air all I can think about is all the times I was with her and her phone would go off and she would just silence it automatically. Am I that person now? Is she silencing me because she is with another guy? She says she is busy, (not busy with what, though) but too busy to reply to a text message? I don't know.... I've left three or four opportunities for her to correct my mistrust. Chances which (i think) that the next logical statement in the conversation should be "There is no other guy in my life right now." That's all it would take. Those ten words would make me happy and put my mind to rest. Maybe that is why girls lie to me, it is just so easy. All I need is to HEAR it, and I will believe it. But that statement never comes. Anyways, I was almost over the whole "other guy theory", because like I said, I WANT to trust. I really want to be able to stop being paranoid. But today she called me about something related to livejournal, and I mentioned the fact that I have vacation time coming up in Feb, and I would like to come visit her on Valentine's Day. I mean, come on, it's Valentine's Day, we still have feelings for each other and are talking about working our problems out, wouldn't that seem like a logical time to come visit someone you still share affectionate feelings for? Apparently not. She went silent, and then suggested I come the weekend before Valentine's Day. One of the reasons I even posed the question of when she would like me to come was to see what she said about Valentine's Day. If there is another guy, he almost certainly has dibs on V-day, so I CAN'T come visit her on that day, it is reserved already. So at this suggestion of hers, the paranoia is revved up and ready to go. I ask the question two or three more times, wanting to give her a chance to explain, to give me a reason Valentine's Day isn't good for her, but none came. "Well, I don't know, I'd really like to come on actual Valentine's day" "Nah, come the weekend before." "You sure? I mean, I could just take off the 13,14, and 15, I mean, it's Valentine's Day, that's kind of important." "No, No, just come on the weekend, besides, it's sooner than Valentine's Day, and there will be more stuff to do." Now, be honest, when is the last time you have heard a girl downplay Valentine's Day in favor of the weekend before? I don't think I have ever heard that happen. I mean, all I wanted to hear was a "I'm working all day that day." "I have to go to the Doctor." ANYTHING. Some reason WHY Valentine's day is bad. But these constant denials without any reason just fuel my suspicion. She isn't lying, but I think there is someone else, and she is just being artfully silent on the facts. So, here I am, the bullet. Fired from a gun held by Strader and Beachy and countless other girls who have shaped my mind into this ruthless instrument of death. Inexorably traveling faster than the speed of sound towards the body of my relationship with the most amazing girl I have ever met. The words I have just entered onto this screen, once read by her, will more than likely end anything we might of had in the future due to my apparent lack of trust. You all just witnessed a murder. (20 Comments |Comment on this)
6:33 pm	Turn Back While You Have The Chance. I am not a reasonable person. Which doesn't mean I am completely unreasonable, either. If I believe something, my mind can be changed by the presence of facts and logic. However, the process probably won't be easy. I'm almost certain that had I been around in the days when the popular belief was that the earth was flat, you probably wouldn't be able to convince me otherwise, even if I was on the ship that sailed around the world. I would be thoroughly convinced that we just sailed in circles to confuse and deceive me. The only reason I say this is I want every person reading this to know that this journal is a place for me to post my thoughts, opinions, feelings, assumptions, beliefs, etc. I want and encourage you to post as many comments as you wish. I can almost promise I will say something or make some assumption that will have each one of you saying "What the fuck is this kid thinking? What a fucking retard." If that is the case, please chime in and let me know what is wrong with my logic. I have a reason for asking this of you all. In figuring out my simple riddle, finding this journal, and adding it to your friends list, you have chosen to "opt-in" for this experience. This is the journal in which I will hold nothing back. I may post in this sumbitch every day, just to get shit off of my mind. Some of these thoughts are going to be complete, utter, amazing paranoid shit. I recently had an experience where, by sharing a conspiracy theory with someone whom I trust (a list I place most of you in), he helped me put this theory to rest using logic and reason. I need that, and I am asking you all to provide some for me if I seem to have lost my own supply. For the near future, most of my posts here will probably deal with my (ex?)-girlfriend, simply because that is the main situation I am having problems mentally sifting through. In the future, any one of you all might be on the short list of things I will bitch and complain about, and I apologize in advance. I want you to know that no matter what I say about anyone in this journal, I am not trying to insult anyone, or expose their personal information to the public for reason of belittlement. I am not trying to hurt anyone, I'm simply trying to get multiple opinions on my thoughts, and hopefully make myself more sane through the process. this journal will never have protected entries, everything will be public. Emotionally, I feel like I have nothing to hide from you guys. Finally, I would like to say that if you don't think you can handle me talking about you or things you/i/we have done together, don't read this journal. Resist the temptation, and walk away. As I said previously I am not insulting anybody, but this is MY space, where I will talk, at length, about the thoughts I am thinking. If you don't think you can take it, don't try. This is the only disclaimer you will get. Current Mood: stressed (4 Comments |Comment on this)