Sometimes I feel like my life is a game show. Which is not to say I walk around all day expecting to win cash, prizes, and all expenses paid trips to Tahiti (although that would be nice.) But every now and then if you watch game shows, and more particularly, quiz shows, you will see people who lose the game on an easy question which they knew the answer to. Almost every time this happens, they use the same excuse: "Gosh, I totally knew the answer to that, but I just froze up... the pressure, all those people watching you, I just totally spaced it." I have to imagine that sucks pretty bad, knowing the answer ahead of time, and still not being able to come through in the clutch, when everything is on the line.

So I have a big problem. There are certain things I have learned throughout the course of my dating life. Things that I mentally know, but seem emotionally unable to follow through on when it is called for. These two things are hopelessly interconnected, and will ruin any relationship (and any hope for friendship afterwards.) They are The Importance of Communication and Letting Them Down Gently.

The Importance of Communication can not be overstated. Put quite simply, it is the building block that any lasting relationship must be built upon. It's been roughly 4 and a half years since I learned this lesson the first time, and it has been reinforced multiple times since then, so it should be something that never escapes my mind. Call your girlfriend once a day. See how she is doing, how everything is going. Be around if she calls you. However, it always escapes me. I find myself in a relationship, getting home from work, and not making a phone call to the girlfriend. I'm too tired, I don't have enough minutes, and I have no idea what we would talk about anyway, so I guess I won't call her, I don't want to bug her and then bore her to death. I guess I'll just call her tomorrow. I know this is wrong, but never did I know HOW wrong. Over the last week, after Jessica and I had a pretty good conversation (in my opinion) about why we broke up and possibly fixing this is the future, I haven't heard from her since. Well, that's not true, she left me a message late Sunday night, apologizing for not responding to my once a day calls/text messages. Which is fine, at least she knows I'd like to hear from her, but in her message, she says she has just been way too busy to call or text message or anything, she's sorry. Well, I can remember those days, when I was too busy. But that is just a front. No one is ever "too busy". I call her and leave her messages from the tops of telephone polls, strapped off with a leather belt, my hands full of hundreds of fiber optic cables. I can send her a text message in less than a minute. It's not about being too busy, it's about not wanting to talk. I know this, because I've done it. But now I am on the receiving end, and I see things differently. I don't want to have a two hour conversation with her. A 30 second message or conversation saying she's thinking about me and she'll talk to me later would do nicely, and it takes a minute to do. A text message saying "Hey, love ya, talk to you soon!" would be great. I was guilty of "being too busy" for the first 4 months of our relationship, and now I understand how crazy it is to say that. I know how uncertain it makes the other person feel. I knew it while I was doing it, but couldn't seem to remember. And now this is my just reward, I guess.

The other horrible thing I do is Letting Them Down Gently. See, sometimes I won't communicate because I forget that relationships need that to survive, and sometimes I do it because I feel like a girl needs to be let down without me ruining her. Instead of saying "Hey, I don't think this is going to work out, sorry." I'll just stop talking to them all together. Ease them out of the situation. No confrontation. Sometimes I have to stop talking to them even AFTER I tell them things aren't going to work. This is a double whammy. I KNOW this is not the right thing to do. And yet I still do it. I've never done this to a girl I was in a serious relationship with, but if things are starting to get a little heavier than I would like or expect, this move is my first resort. The only problem is that this ends up prolonging the agony, drawing it out, leading the other person on without a concrete dismissal, and that sucks. I know that sucks because it has happened to me multiple times in the past, and it feels a lot like what is happening to me now, though I'm not sure of that. I know at least one person is thinking "Well, it serves you right, motherfucker." and they're right. It does serve me right. So I'm ready to take my lumps like a man.

Anyways, so I'm back where I started. Knowing some things concretely because I have been hurt by them, and promised myself I would never forget things that are so simple. I know that not communicating with a girlfriend is wrong. I know that trying to let someone down gently is not the smart thing to do. I know these things. And yet I can't seem to remember them when the time comes to implement my knowledge. But I will never forget again, being reminded of how harsh it is since I am on the receiving end.

But, sometimes one person eagerly waiting on your decision is far more intimidating than a whole hushed audience in a dimly lit studio. I am the weakest link. Goodbye.